Mandatory Disclaimer: This is just my personal take on some of the passages and may or may not pull from academic sources. In other words, this is just my interpretation of things. Take it or leave it.
“O Doubly Evil Who came forth from Andjet, I have not disputed my own property.”-transl. R.O Faulkner
I’m going to confess to something for which I’m usually teased. Praise gives me a huge anxiety attack. I know it seems hilarious given that my readers have been a huge inspiration for me, but when I see how something I’ve written impacts others it frightens me. It’s hard to explain how or why without it deviating from the topic, so I won’t discuss those details until a little later.
What got me to focus on this particular confession was an anxiety attack when I found out my blog received some positive attention. In the vast scheme of things it won’t lead to something extraordinary like a literary prize, but that means little to my anxiety-laden mind. What upset me was I positively impacted one person. When I confided in my partner he retorted in exasperation, “Honey, this is exactly what you wanted to do. You can either have a positive impact or hide in obscurity. You can’t have both”. While I would argue about that point I see what he was trying to say. I can’t work at something and not expect results.
For me it ties into this confession based on whom I suspect this confession is addressed. Andjety is a god Who is much like Wesir (Osiris). He deals with growth and regeneration, which given my situation in life is very fitting. I’ll admit my personal life has seen some pretty bleak moments. In fact, everything I held dear and worked hard to get slipped from my fingers in half the time I worked to get what little I gained. It seems for too long my life laid desolate. I’m in a period of renewal and regrowth. In this time it’s integral I take credit for my work and the fruits therein. It’s not an issue of self placating, but reaping the fruits of my labor.
In that sense I need to look at everything I’ve done these past few years and the progress I’ve made. It hasn’t felt like it at times, but anyone who’s grown a plant from seed knows the work in store. At times it feels like senseless toiling. Other times it feels like we didn’t add enough fertilizer, or enough water, or too much of either. Sometimes we do these things and we end up killing the plant or seedling, sometimes we don’t. Sometimes we even buried the seed too deep and needs to be uncovered so the seedling can reach the surface. No matter what it is our work.
What I realized during this contemplation was why I feared attention. There are multiple reasons, but the relevant one to this topic came from my own expectations. I was afraid I would end up trying to get more than what was due. It didn’t matter from whom or in what form (even from myself with standards I couldn’t meet), I worried about getting too greedy, about expecting more than what could be delivered. I see now that while it’s still possible, I don’t have to be greedy about this. I can own the work that I’m doing and have completed and for now that’s enough.
When I own my work and the products of my life, for better or for worse, it means I can accept responsibility for it more. I can see why it’s important to invest in my work when I own it. I can take charge of my part of my work in that way. It’s led to some contemplation about my current situation and some of the more uplifting directions it’s going. I decided to take more action with my blog because of it.
One of the things I realized when looking at the person’s blog is they didn’t know who the author was. I realized this may not be very clear, or at least not as clear as I had hoped. My “About” tab now has a small bio about myself and my path. It’s a small step, but a step just the same towards owning my work.